My Letter To You
by thunder-phoenix
Summary: Axel decides to write a letter to Roxas and in it he details all of his feelings for his fellow organization member. He gives it to Roxas and waits for his answer.


I am a Nobody.

I discovered what that meant the first day I joined the organization.

I was incomplete. A body and soul with no heart.

No heart meant no emotions, no feelings, no… anything… just unending emptiness.

I remember feeling… nothing. I didn't understand why a heart was so important in the first place. I seemed to be doing just fine without it.

The other members seemed obsessed. So, having no personality of my own for the first week, I grew to become obsessed too. I became convinced that I wasn't complete without a heart. I wasn't worth anything until that wish came true… until Kingdom Hearts became real. The obsession didn't stop when I came out of my shell, if anything it got stronger. Now I could see what I was missing… and I wanted it.

Then one day you showed up, someone who could finally fulfill this wish.

A Keyblade chosen Nobody.

Everyone put their faith in you, me included. I made it my mission to ensure you made our dream come true, no matter what I had to sacrifice. If I could give you everything you needed to complete our quest, I knew it would be worth it.

That first week was especially hard. You hardly said a word. I know Demyx later told me that was how I started too but regardless I was still very put-off. I tried harder and harder to get close to you. Even bringing you to my favourite haunt, the top of the clock tower, and introducing you to Sea Salt ice cream.

I was getting so used to your silence, that when you finally spoke, I remember I almost fell right off the clock tower.

You only said one word, but it was that one word that started everything.

"Axel…"

I almost had to pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a dream, "Yes" I answered, "That's me, got it memorized?"

And then you just smiled at me, well it was more of a small smirk but it did something to me… at the time I didn't understand the small jolt that went through my body, starting in my chest and spreading down to my fingertips, leaving them tingling. I remember staring at my hands in horror and flexing them, scared as to what was happening.

Ever since that day, every time I looked at you the feeling would come back. As I got to know you and your personality started to shine through, the strange sensations only became stronger. I started to worry that I was getting sick. My face would heat up and my palms would get sweaty; I was convinced that I was ill. I had no idea what to do; I didn't even understand what was happening.

Another major change that occurred was a possessiveness I felt for you. Ever since you started speaking, the organization felt you could go on missions. This meant I had to start sharing you with everyone… and it was even worse when Xion joined the organization.

You both had so much in common, both the keyblade's chosen wielder's, both connected to the larger picture with so much pressure put upon you… all while no longer having a need for me.

When you started inviting her to our spot, that's when I began to feel something I neither wanted nor could explain. I had been told it was impossible and yet here I was, feeling something as though I actually had a heart.

I hid this new knowledge from everyone else, especially Xenmas… especially you. I didn't want you to think there was something wrong with me. I was scared you would discover how much I wanted you to think about only me.

I thought about you all the time. Didn't matter if I was awake or asleep, despite the fact that we were told we could never have dreams. You haunted every moment of mine.

I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I was going from calm, cool, collected Axel to a puddle of mush every time you spoke.

Soon the other less self-absorbed organization members started noticing my behaviour. Demyx one day asked me what was wrong after I got my ass handed to me by a heartless. He wouldn't stop pressing me until I came up with some excuse and that's when I knew that I had to do something.

I started to avoid you.

I know now that it was a fruitless effort but I figured if you were the reason that I was always feeling this way, then maybe if I lessened my interaction with you then maybe I could get better. I started to accept only solo missions. I couldn't risk you getting hurt because of my distractedness and I certainly couldn't risk the organization finding out… but I quickly found that I couldn't stand being away from you. So while I resigned myself to not going on missions with you, I allowed myself to still meet with you at our special place on occasion… even if she was there too.

Then one day I was assigned to a mission in a new world called "The Beast's Castle" and that is when everything became clear.

From the initial intel I got from Lexaeus, the castle was supposed to be mostly empty, allowing me to do as I pleased while I gathered the final intelligence for the first big mission we were supposed to have.

However, from the start things were messed up. The furniture was alive, making me weary of what I could trust to not rat me out. I found myself in weird parts of the castle in my quest to stay hidden from dishes and suits of armour. This meant that my mission was pushed longer and longer.

However, while I was there, one thing stood out as being left out of the initial report. The staff seemed obsessed with a woman named "Belle". Everywhere I went I heard her name on everyone's lips. I could never quite get close enough to hear what they were saying but it was clear that she was important. She seemed different than everyone but I couldn't figure out how. I needed to find out more if I was to return with a proper report.

Then suddenly the master of the house, The Beast, returned to the castle. I had been so distracted with figuring out the mystery of this person that I had completely lost track of time. I was about to RTC, resigning myself to the idea that I could just come back another day to do more recon, when I realized he had not returned alone.

I assumed the woman with him was Belle, and she was a human, unlike the rest of the residents. I thought perhaps this was why she was so important. I quickly hid before I could be spotted but soon realized there was no need. The pair did not notice anything around them, transfixed as they were with each other.

That was when I noticed their expressions.

The look in their eyes, the look they were giving each other, mirrored the way I often caught myself looking at you.

I couldn't believe it and I absolutely had to know what it meant.

I didn't care that I was already late for my report or that my continued presence could result in my discovery. I had to know. Was I broken like I had previously thought? If so, then why did these people also seem to share my condition without hindrance? I tried to convinced myself that this knowledge would be invaluable to the organization and that was why I needed to know but I knew that after everything I would not be passing this information to anyone. I was one of the most loyal of the organization but even I knew better than to place myself in suspicion.

At first I just followed the pair, not wanting to risk getting too close for fear of being discovered, but then I grew impatient. I couldn't hear them and I needed to know what she was saying to make him smile like that or what he had said to make her laugh like she was. It slowly grew from a want to know, to an all-consuming need.

I used my knowledge of the castle layout to get closer, sidling along the shadows and ducking behind corners; all the while working to get within ear shot of the Beast and Belle.

But their conversation did very little to help my curiosity. It just sounded like idle chatter. Nothing noteworthy and definitely nothing that would explain their expressions.

The Beast walked Belle to her room and bid her a good night before I decided to give up. Maybe it really was just an affliction and I just needed to speak to Xenmas about getting it fixed.

I decided to follow the Beast out to the main hall before I RTC just in case and it was there that I first heard the word.

"You love her, don't you Master?" I wasn't sure who had said it but the second I heard the word "love" I heard the blood pound loudly in my ears. I knew what "love" was… at least in theory but I had never before heard it spoken by non-Nobodies. The word itself seemed to have an effect on me and I crept closer to hear the conversation.

"Of course I do" I heard the Beast growl, "I think about her all the time and I want to give her everything… I want to be her everything…" His voice drifted off.

I could feel my hands starting to shake and my chest felt constricting, his speech was reflecting my own thoughts… thoughts I had had about you…

"What if I'm not good enough… I want to be good enough… I want to be everything she could even need and more…" the Beast sounded so distraught and I had to strain my ears to hear over the rushing of my own blood.

"Well it certainly sounds like you are in love with her, young Master… this is a joyous day! No need to be looking so glum! We all believe you could be the man she needs and deserves, if you would just take the time to be that man… now let's all speak of these things over a spot of tea…" The voices started to move away but I was rooted to the spot.

I could no longer reject it. Everything I had been feeling, everything I had been thinking, I didn't think it was true but there was no way I could deny it anymore.

I was in love with you

I AM in love with you

I felt myself sink to the floor without even thinking about it. How could this have happened? I felt pure joy and absolute dread all at the same time. How could I, a Nobody, fall in love? How was that even possible? And what about you? What would that have meant for you? Would there even be a possibility that you could love me back? Would this put too much pressure on our relationship now without you even knowing why? Was I just an exception to the rule? Doomed to forever be alone with his feelings, unable to be with you in the way I truly wanted to be?

I shook myself out of my thoughts and ran to the portal back to our castle in the Land That Never Was. I went straight to my room without speaking to anyone. I decided I would deal with the consequence of not delivering my report in the morning. I needed to think.

What was I going to do now? Was I going to do anything at all?

I didn't sleep at all that night. Tossing and turning, thinking of the fact that you were, in that very moment, not even a couple doors down from me, sleeping peacefully. My fingers ached to touch you, my mind ached to see you, and my lips ached to feel yours against them. But most importantly my heart ached, knowing that all these things were things you might never ever have knowledge of.

It was in that moment that I knew I must have a heart, or at least a substitute for it. The tightness in my chest I felt whenever you were around and the jolts of pleasure that spark whenever you accidently touch me all came from the place where my heart should be…

I had no idea what to do with this new knowledge. If I brought it to Xenmas, he might try to do something drastic that would hurt me, or worse, hurt you. If I brought it to any of the other organization members they might not even believe me or just send me right back to our leader. No, this was something that I was just going to have to keep to myself for now.

One thing was for sure, after realizing that I was in love with you, I could no longer deny myself your presence. I didn't want to put any unnecessary stress on you but at the same time I could no longer handle being away.

That was when I came to my compromise. I would go back to the way things were and never speak of this to you but I would no longer deny myself the indulgence of your presence. I no longer insisted on only doing solo missions and instead took whatever missions I could with you. In the beginning I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells, convinced that everyone could read my mind and knew exactly what was going on with me. I was especially weary around you, sure that my flushed face and stuttered speech was giving myself away.

After a while things got easier. I was still a complete mess whenever you were around but I found that I could joke and tease you like I used to without feeling like a complete weirdo. Everything fell into place.

But… then I started to notice something. Once I stopped worrying about how I would appear to you, I began to notice that you seemed different. You wouldn't meet my gaze like you used to and you became jumpy anytime I was near you… at first I thought it was because you were upset about my absence. I worried that I hadn't been there for you and you had started to resent me for it.

But then one day I went to put my hand on your shoulder and you shot away from me. I was so distraught that I wanted to confront you so I grabbed your wrist and forced you to look at me. However, when I looked into your eyes, it wasn't anger I saw but confusion. Confusion and fear… I remember letting go of your hand like I had been electrocuted and gaping at you, unsure of what to say. When you ran from me, I didn't try to stop you. My thoughts were so jumbled that I just decided to return to my room, not speaking to anyone.

I was no longer sure of why you were acting so strange. I thought for sure you were mad at me for avoiding you and I was going to do all I could to make it up to you… but now I didn't know what the right thing to do was. You weren't avoiding me but you were definitely avoiding any opportunity to be near me… what did that mean?!

I know I hardly slept at all that night and I had to stop myself so many times from just barging into your room and demanding an explanation. However, when I finally woke the next day I had come up with a plan. You were never one for talking about things that were bothering you, preferring to keep it bottled up until I forced it out of you; but seeing as it concerned me, I didn't think that strategy was going to work this time. I needed to pay attention to everything you did and figure out a solution for myself.

And that is what I did.

For the next day I watched you every moment I was able. Nothing seemed to have changed, however, you acted the same as you always had and I started to wonder if it was all in my head. Maybe I was so worried about what you thought of me that I was making up problems that were never really there in the first place. As the day went on and the mission we were on drew to a close, it became clear that was what must have happened.

Then I made the discovery that changed everything.

We had just wrapped up the mission with amazing results and I was feeling on top of the world, so I went in for a big hug. You shot out of my arms faster than I could imagine possible. I just stared at you in shock but this time you stared back.

Mixed in with the confusion and fear, however, I noticed something I hadn't before. There was something else about the way your hands fidgeted, your eyes being unable to meet mine, and, perhaps most telling, the colour that darkened your face turning it a light red. My breath caught in my throat as my mind started to work out a conclusion and my hand reached out automatically to you.

That's when you ran back to the portal to RTC without me. I was left staring after you, my mind in complete shock. The conclusion my mind came up with, though previously thought to be improbable, filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible.

My mind began to entertain the thought that the feelings I had for you… might be reciprocated.

I wasn't sure how strong they might be or if you were aware of them or even if you had feelings at all; but my mind clamped on to the idea so tightly it was impossible to just ignore it. I needed to find out more.

With great difficulty, I carried on our relationship as though I noticed nothing, though the increase of instances when my pulse raced or my breath caught in my lungs were certainly not helping. But it allowed me to notice things I hadn't before. The small glances you sent me, the hesitation you had around me, the slight tremble in your fingers as they reached for me, and the occasional stutter in your voice as we spoke. I recognized each one from my own experiences whenever I was around you and each discovery fanned the flames inside me until they were almost unbearable.

I felt myself falling even more in love with you with each passing moment we spent together and that growing desire to be everything to you pulled at my mind like claws until it was the only thing I could think about.

And now here we are. I'm not even sure if I'm going to give this letter to you or if I just needed to get everything off my chest. If I really knew what was best for me, I should probably just burn this… I know that if I read all the signs wrong then this could have devastating consequences but I'd like to think our friendship is stronger than that.

I am hopelessly and desperately in love with you but more than that I want to always be around you. So if it turns out that you do not feel the same as I do, please disregard everything written here. I promise that I won't push anything onto you and we can pretend as though none of this ever happened. As long as I remain your friend, I will be happy.

But… if by some miraculous happenstance you do in fact feel anything for me as I do for you… please… come to our spot tonight… I will be waiting all night. If you don't come then I will know your answer. Please only come if there is something there; my heart, or whatever it is that is making me feel this way, cannot handle anymore disappointment.

 _With lov-_

 _With all my hea-_

 _Your frien-_

 _With regar-_

Axel

* * *

Roxas read and reread the last couple of lines to make sure he completely understood what Axel had written. There had been a couple of things crossed out here and there but for the most part the entirety of the letter seemed to have been written in one sitting, stream of consciousness style. At the end, it seemed Axel had tried quite a few sign-offs before deciding to just write his name and that seemed more telling of the sincerity of his promise than anything else.

Roxas' pulse raced in his ears and he had to place his hand over his chest to try to calm his breaths.

Axel was in love with him… Axel was in love with him…

It was the only thought that seemed to be allowed in his mind at the moment as a lopsided idiotic grin blossomed on his lips. He couldn't believe it… his feelings for the eighth member of the organization were returned and in full force it seemed. He had been terrified for months as to what these new feelings he had for the red-head were and even more so when it seemed that Axel was avoiding him. He had been worried that he had been found out and would be kicked out or have something even worse happen at any moment. His anxiety only worsened when Axel decided to go back to the way things were between them. It was during the first few missions that Roxas realized what his feelings were and what they meant for him. He was in love with Axel. He had no idea what to do about this revelation or why it even happened to him. He was a Nobody, a heartless and unwanted Nobody… what was happening?!

But now this… this letter… written with sincerity and a slightly shaky hand… this meant possibilities. Possibilities Roxas had never allowed himself to entertain let alone believe in. Axel was, at this very moment, waiting for him at the top of the clock tower, hoping that he would show and tell him he had not hoped in vain.

This thought finally brought Roxas out of his stupor. Axel was at the top of the clock tower waiting for him. He needed to stop wasting time daydreaming! His dream was literally waiting for him.

He kissed the parchment in his hands on impulse and carefully tucked it away inside his coat pocket, keeping it close to his heart, before opening a portal to Twilight Town.

The sun was already setting, casting long shadows across the roads in front of him and he briefly wondered if he had ever seen Twilight Town during the day or at night before dismissing the thought and rushing towards the clock tower. He made it to the tall structure faster than he ever thought possible and took the stairs up to the top two at a time.

However, he came to a halt at the door, his hand mere centimeters away from the handle. He watched his trembling fingers hovering just above the brass and tried to catch his breath.

This was it. Once he walked through that door, nothing was ever going to be the same. What he wanted more than anything was about to become reality. He no longer believed he was just some Nobody without a heart. He felt things he was sure he could only feel if he had a heart and, most importantly, he meant something to someone.

He never even dared to entertain the thought that all of this was just some elaborate joke or trap to catch him. He no longer cared what would happen to him. He just knew that Axel was on the other side of this door and that, no matter what happened, he would never be alone again.

Finally, he took one last shaky breath in and turned the handle, pushing the door open.

There, in the light of the dying day, stood Axel, turning to face him, a relieved and ridiculously happy smile engulfing his features. Roxas couldn't help the deliriously happy and sheepish smile that spread across his own face at the sight and he felt the prickling sensation of the beginning of tears behind his eyes. Roxas fought back the tears, slightly afraid of the intensity of his own emotions and became rooted to the spot, unable to speak.

"Hey…" Axel said after a long moment of just staring into each other's eyes.

"Hi…" Roxas answered back lamely.

"I…" Axel bit his lip "I was really hoping you would show…"

The action seemed to push Roxas over the edge and he ran to Axel. He looked so vulnerable and fragile… and Roxas found that he even loved this new part of Axel he had never seen before.

Before he could stop himself, Roxas threw his arms around Axel, pulling him down, and placed his lips right on the red-head's slightly chapped lips.

Axel responded immediately, wrapping his arms around the shorter man, pulling him closer and smiling widely into the kiss, throwing all of his passion into it.

Roxas leaned back slightly, opening his eyes again, and chuckled when he heard the tiniest of whines come from Axel. He placed his forehead on the taller man's and barely noticed that he was standing on his toes to reach it, "I love you, Axel…" he whispered softly.

Axel's eyes widened and his smile grew even wider, "I love you too, Roxas…" he whispered back before placing a hand on Roxas' cheek and pulling him into another searing kiss.


End file.
